Coaching Self During Divorce
When you think of an athlete you think of someone who is strong, determined, unwavering, focused….
These are the traits athletes use to help them achieve their goals and win! Somewhere along the line, these set of skills went missing in the midst of your break up.
In separation or divorce, you constantly second guess every decision. Am I doing the right thing for me? What will it do to our family? What if I miss him/her? What if they change? Can I give them another 100 chances?
It would be so much easier to have a coach on the sidelines screaming out plays to you during this difficult time.
“Suzy, get your head in the game”.
“Billy, don’t let that player get the best of you”.
“Mary, keep going, you can do this!”
As a volunteer coach for a middle school team I am often times tasked with figuring out ways to help the girls feel more empowered.
I think in life as with sports we are taught to find the good in everything. I think we are taught to not give up. I think we are brainwashed to think positively. I say brainwashed because sometimes we all need a dose of reality.
All of these positive traits that serve an athlete, can sometimes reek havoc on your decision making skills in relationships. Why did it take me so long to find my way? Everyday I woke up and thought “tomorrow is another day”. My strength and positivity needed a wake up call.
In order to face the next opponent, you sometimes have to face the harsh reality of loss from the last match if you ever have any chance of winning. I saw my break up as failure, a loss. Vince Lombardi said it so well, “It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up”.
Last season, our team took the Championship while I was finalizing the details of my separation. As a coach, I often “replay” the games in my mind and assessing what went wrong or right.
I recently applied the same exercise to my break up. Here are some of the “take-aways” from my own separation. If I were to look for the positives in my break up that would serve me later, here are the tops:
- Don’t give up!
- Don’t give in!
- If it doesn’t work– try something else!
- If it doesn’t kill you– it will make you stronger!
- Have confidence in yourself above everything (and everyone) else!
- Trust your Gut!
- Don’t overthink it!
- Your first thought is sometimes the best thought!
So what’s ahead for this coach?
I am now able to see the failings of my marriage as an opportunity to hit the court again.
As I move forward, I looked at what I missed most during my marriage. I really missed connecting with others and being social. I can count on one hand how many social events I have been in the last year.
This is going to take some serious focus and determination to get me out in the world again. I haven’t been on this court in over a decade. Here are my “social” goals for the next 90 days. I am a fan of team sports so PLEASE join me in this quest!
- Throw a social event.
- Attend a social event.
- Try a new hobby.
- Re-connect with an old childhood friend.
- Try a new group work out.
We all need coaches in our life, but we have to remember we are our best advocate. Be true to yourself and you can’t go wrong. You can’t continue to beat yourself up for your break up. It’s easier said than done I know!
I love this quote :
“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed”.
My take away:
Sometimes it is our failings that make the next chapter worth winning.
Get to Work!
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Three years ago today I was waiting in line at a flower shop with a cup of coffee in one hand and my cell phone in the other as my boss rattled off an impromptu message for the roses he was having me pick up for his wife.