Divorce – Five Years On

Divorce – Five Years On

Refocus on Your Future

Thankfully, time travel is not possible.

Not that I’m afraid of being eaten by a dinosaur or breaking up my parents “Back to the Future” style which is creepy… but, I wonder how many of us would be stuck in a time loop trying to fix our failures and particularly our marriage. Or would you have kidnapped yourself from even meeting that ex-guy/girl?

If you had asked me a year post divorce, I probably would have been in fix, save or change mode. But five years on, I wouldn’t change a thing, and that is the point of this story. No matter the pain and sadness you currently feel, it will change. It is your job to make sure that it changes for the better. A friend recently shared an American study with me that followed individuals after their divorce to see how their personalities and character had changed post divorce. It found that after ten years, 90% of men and 65% of the women had seen no visible positive changes to their character. What a shame, and what a waste of pain. Use your time and personal growth wisely and positively to become a better you, more passionate for the things your care about and those around you.

“Accept your change as an opportunity to start again and become the best possible you.”

His (aka Thom’s) Perspective

As a “Glass Very Much Half Full” annoyingly type of guy, I remained relatively positive, especially around others and my kids. Inside I was a complete train wreck working the emotions of what went wrong, what was wrong with me and what did I have to do to fix it. There was no fast forward to answering any of these questions. I was in the trenches, and I had to deal with them for a long time. I really didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted from self, life and a future partner, if there was ever going to be one. So I skipped dating for a year, defying friends and family wisdom of getting back on the so called “horse.” Instead I used the year as an excuse to find myself again.

Five years forward, I am very happy where I am and with whom I have become. I have learned to cook (OK two things but they are awesome,) be a better parent spending valuable time with my kids, and I am healthier both physically (cholesterol never been lower) and waistline and mentally as I continue to work on projects I am passionate about.

Take time to reinvent yourself.

It’s not all roses. Vacations and ex interactions are still tough and will be for my kids as they get older and start their own families as they have to decide where they will spend their time. Divorce is also financially crippling and could take years to recover.  But, what I have learned, is that time used constructively and positively can heal wounds and make you a better person if you choose to make it so.

 

The Future is Getting Clearer

Her Perspective

A few years down the road provide a completely different road map and lots of scenery I never imagined in the first months of driving single again. In those days, seeing past the next hairpin curve while keeping an eye on the ditch captured most of my attention. I worried about my kids, how I was going to manage life without an extra pair of hands, and the shame of a failed marriage. In those days, I tried hard to stay positive and do the next right thing, keep my expectations in check and my priorities in order. That way, I figured I would do no harm and protect my kids with space to heal and trust that even though things had changed, they were still amazing little people who were tirelessly loved by both of their parents.
Today I live in a completely different landscape. Literally, I moved to a whole new place. Now this place feels like home. In those first months of trying to hold it together, I never imagined a day where I‘d laugh so often again, find love and joy in new friendships and people, and I didn’t know that the freedom I was terrified of was exactly what I needed. My kids aren’t perfect, but they are amazing kids in their very own right. I make decisions that are best for them and me without repercussions. I hang onto the what if’s and possibilities ahead. The unknowns are adventures I haven’t gotten to YET, not obstacles to fear. I‘m incredibly proud of what I‘ve accomplished and excited about the future. And I got here by putting one foot in front of the other every day with just enough resolve that I was so going to do this.

“I got here by putting one foot in front of the other every day…”

In summary, you are never stuck where you have already been. Focus on the future and yourself to become the best version of You that you can.

We would love to hear your story. Email us at submissions@ivemovedon.com

Also, start to journal today. It’s healing to write and a great way to see how far you have come.

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About author

Thom Slade
Thom Slade 268 posts

“Healing for the broken hearted. A map, guide and community to move on positively/fantastically in life with a healthy beaming smile”
Thom. Thom is the originator and alter-ego of ivemovedon.com. Divorce Survivor, Single Parent, and now moving on to new adventures in Life. Follow his journey here every week, or on Instagram and Facebook.

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