Finding the Gumption to Move On
I’m not sure if gumption is an actual word.
It’s something my East Texan family used as a way of saying you just have to dig deep and find the will to plunge ahead. That’s ‘gumption.’
So I’ve been gumption mining for a while now. So many of us in this space are recovering from the most intimate of betrayals, and I still don’t have definitive answers on how one gets over the betrayal of trust.
I’m positive I am not alone.
When we promise forever, meld our life with someone else’s, and find something less than promising in the outcome, it’s difficult to do the work to figure out how it came to this, how we move on, and how we trust someone else with our selves again. Physical intimacy aside, how do we let someone else see who we are, pull the defenses down, and reveal ourselves? How do we change our reality to a place where rejection isn’t imminent?
So I did some research…
What do people need to recover from betrayal?
The breach lies in one’s bank accounts–if you will–in the areas of trust and intimacy. In my view, those go hand in hand. You can’t possibly have real intimacy without trust. Period. Some couples survive infidelity and pick Happily Ever After-ish. They picked Door Number 1. But what about those of us who find ourselves on the doormat staring at Door Number 2?
How do we move on to healthy relationships? What happens when we feel threatened in those relationships? No one can blame us for feeling a bit gun shy, but where is the line of what makes sense and what is really in our imagination along the lines and boundaries that simply should not be crossed?
According to more than one expert, trust is built with someone not at all based on what they say but on what they do. Experts also agree that loving again is a slooooowwwwww process. (Like sloth running a marathon slow…) Since intimacy is dependent on emotional attachment, and emotional attachment pivots on the ability to trust, it looks like we have a bit of a challenge ahead of us.
The good news is that recovery is a very real possibility. Understanding that building a bridge from both sides of the shore to mend the breach in trust is the first step in understanding the road to a trusting relationship on which two people can build a solid connection founded in trust. If it does not make sense, it may be that it does not make sense to you, but it is a place where the other person feels vulnerable. While vulnerability is a healthy thing, it also requires a space that is safe to BE vulnerable. In time, that space will grow, and becoming vulnerable gets easier because someone took the time and made the effort to become a safe place to go. So the going there isn’t as terrifying.
Dig deep. Choose to take the risks worth taking. It’s out there. Promise.
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