Focusing on Your Past Destroys Your Future

Focusing on Your Past Destroys Your Future

When someone you love has betrayed you or hurt you in anyway, it’s hard to let it go. But if you love your partner and want to make your relationship work you need to stop focusing on your past before it destroys your future.

It’s a waste of your time and energy to focus on anything that you can’t control. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change the past, so dwelling on it is both frustrating and futile. However, you can control how you choose to respond to past events in the present and future. You have two basic choices. You can stay angry and push away the person who hurt you. Or, you can choose to forgive and focus on what your relationship is now.

Is your partner’s behavior showing you that s/he’s truly sorry? Is she trying to make amends and changing to make you feel loved and secure? If so, this is a relationship worth saving. Feelings do change, sometimes for the better. When couples face hard times and work through them together they make their relationship stronger—happier.  It deepens your emotional intimacy. If you’re open to letting go of the past your future can be really wonderful. You may truly connect for the first time.

Be really honest with your partner. Share how she made you feel and what you need her to do to help you trust her again. I know that can be hard to do but what do you have to lose? If you can’t get past this your relationship is over anyway. So take down your wall and be brutally honest using “I” statements about how you feel about what she did. She can’t meet your needs if you don’t tell her what they are.

If you’re not capable of doing that or your partner isn’t willing to change then your relationship is over. Check out my other posts Forgive or Get Out and Don’t Let Your Best Conversation Be your Last.

Most people aren’t interested in changing. Change is hard even when it’s positive change. So if you have a partner who is showing you he or she is willing to change that’s someone worth trying to work it out with. You need to take him at face value for who he is today. Let go of past behavior that can’t be changed and embrace who he is for you today.  Allow him to unbreak your heart. You just may find yourself happier than you’ve ever been.

Donna Barnes, one of IMO’s coaching resources, provides life, coaching, and breakup support services.

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