Misery LOVES Company
You have been there.
You text your BFFs in the middle of the night, “I’ve found my soul mate. We have been chatting and texting and we have 5 hour conversations and he understands me better than anyone ever has.” “She just gets me. It is so powerful and amazing to be understood so deeply. I never experienced anything like that in any relationship I have ever been in!”
The pain, confusion, gut wrenching and soul tearing that happens when we experience a divorce is immense. Our emotions are frayed and we resemble a co-ed who ran through a Texas Chain Saw Massacre convention.
We are in pain. We are in a weakened state. We probably have not slept well for months. We are more than a little desperate. We are also longing for something fresh and good and someone to affirm that we are ok. We are longing and looking for someone who will want us and affirm we are desirable and anything other than what we were called by our ex in times of anger and court filings.
So when we find that “soulmate” who gets us, sees us in the deepest parts of our agony and we just know they know what we are feeling – and we get them and know them…IT IS POWERFUL! The attraction is beyond anything we ever felt or experienced before. The attractions that we have experienced before when we were young, stupid or drunk are pale in comparison. Not that those attractions were not powerful but they were primarily sexual, on a chemical level and we were just happy, silly and wanting to find someone to experience love and connection with.
The reality is that these relationships are based on everything that will ultimately bring more pain. They are built on misery, pain and nothing that resembles the best of who we are.
They often result in amazing sexual encounters, moving in together, getting married and then gradually, or with a loud bang, we awaken to the reality of the illusion. That person we found ourselves so powerfully attracted to, suddenly we have little love or affection for. The likes and dislikes we were blind to, are screaming so loudly as we look for the ejector seat or exit sign. We wonder what happened and feel like idiots and failures – just what our exes said we were.
Pain is a powerful attractor but it seldom results in wonderful, powerful, long term relationships.
Healing takes time, nurturing and sometimes therapy before we are able to become strong again. When we fail to
recuperate and take the time to regain perspective, we risk further injury and our journey to a new life is again slowed. If you have kids, they alone are a good reason to resist pooling your misery with another person who shares your pain. They need stability not more madness.
Here are some practical suggestions to help you work through the pain and get to a place where new, positive and long term relationships become a real likelihood:
- Get out but do things with friends who know and love you
- Go out in groups but hold off dating. You can have a lot of fun just go solo for a while
- Join Meet Up groups or find others from I’ve Moved On in one of the new community groups. See if you can organize group activities
- Connect with an I’ve Moved On community group and support and encourage others in misery to find perspective and health
- Affirm your own personal strength. Tell yourself you are more than strong enough to do the journey alone for a while until you are strong enough to bring the best of who you are to life and new relationships.
There is a great future ahead of you. Take your time. Breathe. Regain perspective. Discover your amazing Talents and build a new firm foundation for the life you know you were created to live!