Now I know… I’m Better Sleeping On My Own

Now I know… I’m Better Sleeping On My Own

Growing up a child of divorce, I always told myself that when I got married, I wouldn’t make the same mistakes as my

parents and that my relationship would last forever. I’d find the perfect guy and everything would be easier than breathing so that nothing could ever go wrong.

When I met my ex husband, I just remember thinking that we were two separated halves of the same person. We never argued, we were always laughing, and time seemed to pass by at the speed of light when we were together while it crawled when we were apart. We couldn’t get enough of each other and all the little things that seemed so trivial in the beginning used to haunt me as I cried myself to sleep alone in my cheap apartment.

If your friends and family hate him, maybe there’s a reason for it? I used to let the conversations about how lazy my ex was go in one ear and out the other. I found myself defending him at every turn, foolishly thinking that the constant struggle to make people understand us would only strengthen our bond.

I didn’t start to see things for how they truly were until I got pregnant and had our first and only child.

Looking back, I realize that we got married too fast and not on our own terms which was no one’s fault but our own. Coming from two fairly religious families, living together out of wedlock was bad enough, but having a child? Before I could process what was happening I was standing in a courthouse saying my vows in a pair of dress pants and a blouse instead of the white wedding dress I’d dreamed of because we’d both allowed outside parties to dictate how our life should work.

The first year of my daughters life showed me a lot about the man that I used to believe was my sun and stars and by her second birthday we found ourselves starting to despise one another, but our child needed both of her parents together, right? His mom divorced when he was young and he grew up without a father as well so a lot of what kept fueling our obviously toxic relationship was the misguided idea that she would suffer if we put her through what we both went through… it didn’t take us long to realize that she was suffering regardless.

After being with someone for so long, the idea of being on your own at first is terrifying. You start to panic, you lose your grip on reality, and the room starts to spin while your brain immediately starts going over all the best times the two of you had together. I tried to leave half a dozen times before I actually felt strong enough to break free because he refused to tell me he wanted a divorce. I thought, if he could at least tell me he didn’t want me anyone, it would hurt like hell but it would help me move forward.

Despite what anyone tells you, no one knows exactly what you’re going through. Those same friends and family that tried to alienate you for your choice in partner come pouring back out of the woodwork to tell you how right they were, how they understand, and how this is all for the best when all you want to do is make everything stop hurting by going back to the person who was making you miserable in the first place.

I don’t think I truly moved on emotionally until he started dating again. Each weekend visit always left me hopeful that he’d change, that he would become the person I fell in love with again and that we could start over together. The truth is that no one is ever going to change unless they want to and not too long after the papers were signed, he was already looking for someone new to pass the time with.

The real turning point for me was finding There’s something comforting about not being face to face with someone that allows for more honesty. Reading through articles about other people’s stories and tips that helped them move on really resonated with me at a time when I didn’t think I’d ever be able to. I thought, if these people could do it, why can’t I?

I’d like to say it was easy, but that would be a lie. I’d like to say that I don’t sometimes wonder what life would be like if I had stayed because that would also be a lie. Moving on after a divorce is a constant process that can’t be conquered without continued effort and support. My new boyfriend… he drives me crazy, but not in the way my ex did. We aren’t anything alike, but we complement one another and strengthen each other’s weaknesses. We don’t argue, we talk out our differences and when we go awhile without seeing one another, I can honestly say that I’m okay with an empty half of the bed and that’s something I never thought I’d say.

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1 Comment

  1. Thom Slade
    April 23, 15:08 Reply
    I really really love this story. Thank you so much for your openness and honesty. Its interesting how we make decisions without listening to people that know us then make decisions based on what we think people will think of us. Life Lessons... Have a fantastic weekend, Thanks again & With Love, Thom

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