Sometimes it’s just that day
Today I’m giving myself a pass.
But every rare once in a while I get a nasty curve ball, swing for the fences, completely miss by a mile, and I just want to take my ball and go home. Sometimes it’s just that day.
I know exactly how I got here–lots of responsibility on my plate, a good helping of positive change that I haven’t quite figured out how to navigate yet, and a larger amount of uncertainty than I’m accustomed to. Life just happens, and at present it feels less like a playground and kind of like an ass kicking.
In the interest of keeping it real, it was a challenging week. Parts were scary, others were just difficult, and some were so nuts I wondered if I was really awake. The usual MO of putting one foot in front of the other, doing the next beneficial thing wasn’t really working. I got some hard news, and there was no action to take but to wait.
In the No Man’s Land where we extend grace in the form of the benefit of the doubt or keeping everything crossed hoping for the best, sometimes I just struggle with hard questions without answers. It’s human nature to want to belong, to matter, to fit someplace, and be someone’s first and last thought of the day. I didn’t have someone to call when it was time to navigate a scary place, and I was honestly afraid of going it alone. I think I was more afraid I’d reach out and no one would reach back.
I didn’t know if the people in my life could stop theirs long enough to listen and just be in the moment of uncertainty with me, not give me answers or tell me what to do, just to say without having to say the words, “You matter to me.”
So I’m giving myself the day off.
One day to get through without taking on the world. One day to acknowledge that not knowing, rejection and loss are painful, to feel those things, and know tomorrow is another opportunity to be more of what I wish to see in the world.
Tomorrow I’ll kick ass. Today I’ll just own that mine is kicked. And tomorrow I give myself the gift of knowing that when rough days come (because they will), I’ll be fine on the other side of them.
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