When Good Things Happen
I fight hard against labels defining me. While they serve as accurate descriptors of pieces of my life, by no means would I consider them all-encompassing. Definitely not.
Positive force to be reckoned with.
Now that’s more like it!
In the end of the day, I score one in the win category if everyone ate a square meal and is ready to take on tomorrow.
I think some of us wrestle with our place in the world to some extent, and for whatever reason my lot sometimes feels a bit more like a fixed tag-team WWF match I’m still sorting out.
It’s work, being single when that wasn’t in the great life plan. I don’t know about you, but I had Happily Ever After pretty well mapped out, minus a pony and the Rapunzel tower. In the day-to-day grind of making life happen, there are those days I want to wave the white flag, wondering if I should be resigned to this is how it is. Don’t get me wrong–How It Is is a happy place with a life full of friends, crazy hobbies, amazing kids, and more actual freedom than I’ve ever had to just go be me.
But I’d be a great big liar if I said I never felt like something was missing.
In the chapter of my life titled Supersingle, I’ve kind of grieved the absence of someone who cares for me–who misses me when I’m not there, smiles when I laugh, knows the curve of my back when he puts his arm around me, shows up in the most simple and significant ways. People are relational beings, and I imagine I’m not as alone as I sometimes feel in wondering if I should get real about a long-Term future as a Me and forget about being part of an Us.
These days, things are a little different. Phenomenon of all, the most wonderful man moseyed his way into my heart and my life this year, and I could not be happier. It’s just been a great adventure in seeing what’s possible–without conclusion. (Is that a safe enough disclaimer?)
But it’s a little weird for those of us who have been through a divorce or heartbreak to accept that a good thing is happening.
Have I been solo so long that it’s easier to manage the emotions partnered with loneliness than the mountain top of having not just A hand to hold but the RIGHT hand holding mine? No, but in the beginning, yes!
Letting someone get close has to be a process in my emotional universe. That’s just what I need to feel safe and not more like something I visualize as a roller-skating elephant with allergies on a tight rope! Why do we have a hard time believing that something good is happening? Call it gun shy, cold feet, or somewhere along the Got Burned Continuum from singed to crispy critter, getting one’s groove back requires accepting the goodness life brings our way.
Maybe I was uneasy because I lacked confidence. Maybe the tiptoe around the HolycrapIreallylikehim Pond meant I wasn’t sure how to swim if I cannonballed in sans life vest. Maybe it’s because I get so busy making sure everyone else is OK that I think good things only come when I check all the other responsibilities off the list. After no small time invested in honest contemplation, I wonder if that first list doesn’t rear its ugly head to tell me that people with my history are damaged, bring extra baggage to the already arduous relationship trip, and that my heart couldn’t take failing again.
Those are the great big lies.
Good things are right there to be appreciated and to remind me how much I have to be grateful for. Just today. And when I stay in today, revel in the goodness of it, I don’t question whether I’m deserving.
This season of life is teaching me to take myself less seriously, take stock in the positive, stop questioning my worthiness, and just enjoy the goodness surrounding me today.
If it’s that day, and the other side of the bed is all perfectly made, there’s too much coffee left in the pot in the morning, and you miss at least the idea of someone telling you to have a great day, that hole does get smaller. And when you least expect it, someone tells you to have a good day when you walk the dog, you share coffee with a neighbor, and you realize you sleep better with four pillows. Goodness takes all kinds of forms. Be ready to take it without hesitation when it comes your way!
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